If you’ve been on social media you may have come across the trend of the “male loneliness epidemic”. It’s a phenomena that for men these days and increasingly as they age they find themselves with fewer friends and many men with no friends at all. If you’ve not come across this a quick google search will bring up many articles on it and the statistics behind it. Here is my take on it and how it affects my own life.
As I’ve gotten older and moved through life’s path (marriage, children, etc) I have found that I am missing the kind of connection to my friends that I used to have. I am not lonely in any sense of the word. I see people all the time both family and friends and know a good number of my neighbours and other parents. So although I do not lack in personal relationships, as least as far as quantity goes I do feel I have been something missing. That thing I have come to realize is quality and I think I know now what makes for a quality relationship at least to me though I expect for others as well.
I have done a lot of thinking about it and I think I have found the one thing missing in my life that I used to have and that I no longer do. That is getting together with other people and working on something together. It’s something I don’t do anymore for a variety of reasons and I really miss it. I’ve come to realize that pretty much all of my relationships were centered around this in one way or another up until recently. With this no longer being there my relationships have changed both new and old and are not the same anymore.
Getting together with people to work on something can be fun or frustrating or outright horrible in the moment. What I have come to realize though is that either way what the work together does is allow you to fully enjoy all the other things you do together. When the work is done or at or least you put in some effort the things you do afterwards (talking, leisure, relaxing) just feel so much better. They feel deserved. The work creates a shared experience to bond over. It gives you something to talk about and to plan for.
What I have found is that whenever I try to make new friends or spend time with people I’ve known a long time it just isn’t the same anymore. Since we don’t work together we don’t have the shared context anymore and so any talk or leisure or relaxing is not as enjoyable. Since we don’t share our lives together anymore there is nothing shared to talk about. As there are no shared accomplishments there is nothing to celebrate. It all feel so shallow.
I’ve read several articles about the male loneliness epidemic and they have many different talking points. While sometimes they mention the things above that I have I’ve not seen an article focus on it directly. I feel this is a under-realized and under-discussed cause of the issue that many men face as they age.
While each persons life is of course going to be very different one thing in common we all go though is school and school is the original place of getting together with your friends to work on something together. This becomes increasingly more so as you get into higher grades and then university. Through shared study and group projects you get opportunities to work with others one something you care about and that you both benefit from. This was a big thing for me in school / university and it was the starting point of other activities as well.
Family can also be a place for this. I used to work with my parents on fixing up houses and while that can be a lot of work and quite frustrating it is a shared experience that you can work on together and benefit from the result.
With friend as you make them in school and work together with them you can also branch out to get together to work on other projects as well. Examples from my own life include building forts, making crossbows, doing yard work for people for money, programming apps, games and AI, making robots, making prototypes for business ideas, building a greenhouse and many more.
For me at least my job is fairly individual and digital and I don’t own the company I work for and so I don’t really get the feeling of getting together with people to work on something from my job. It’s a great job in many ways and has times of collaboration but it doesn’t really scratch this itch for me.
Everyone’s lives are different and what getting together with people to work on something will look like will be different for everybody. Do you feel this way? What is your experience with your friends or family as you age and move through the stages of life? Let me know.
Cold and Rich 
Yes and no.
I think where I resonate with this is that there are moments where I feel lonely, unmotivated, and listless. I look back on my past with fondness and miss that it’s gone. Thankfully, those feelings are usually fleeting (typically lasting no more than an afternoon) and usually happen when I’m alone and not otherwise occupied. In reality, I both have and have had a good life and my present is full of deep, meaningful relationships. I think were my thoughts get the best of me is when I look back too often or my self-reflection on how to be happy is getting in the way of getting on with being happy. I think the way forward is with a healthy mix of serving others (partner, family, friends, community), distraction (reading fiction, moving your body, exploring ideas, projects), and a touch of hedonism (good food!). Reflect when it feels good, otherwise, get on with living (aforementioned serving others, distraction, and hedonism – in that order).
My life:
I grew up as the oldest of five children and my parents are still together. Our household was a hectic place and something was always going on. My parents always had a project on the go with which I was usually included, whether it be picking up and relocating river rock from the side of the property, clearing brush, planting trees, building a pool, or even after I moved out, building a cottage (in progress). There were sports, chores, weeks at my grandparents’ cottage and camping. That shared purpose of accomplishing a task together and leisure together has always come from my family.
I’ve also had friends throughout the years with whom I’d build forts, make bicycle jumps, play sports etc. Same thing in University, I’ve had friends whom I’ve studied, done projects, run student events, and done various forms of physical activity. I’ve always valued those connections and they have certainly have added meaning to my life. I often miss those friends. I don’t keep in as close touch with them as I’d like, which I put that down the fact that we’re busy with out own lives. Another factor that I’d be remiss to ignore, however, is that I feel less urgency in that department because my need for meaningful connection is filled by my wife and family whom I see frequently.
Day-to-day my social connection is filled by group chats on my phone (with family and you, as it happens), yoga where I know a lot of fabulous people, and spending time with my wife. Outside of work, my wife and I do almost everything together, even if we can’t seem to get our act together to plan execute renovations of our home (a mutual frustration). While I don’t have that same number of tasks and projects as I did when I was growing up, the sheer number of relationships I have, often pulling my in different directions, has been a blessing. A shared project for me would be as simple as starting one at home (if I catch my wife at the right moment), headed to the cottage and offer to be put to work, or the same thing at any of my siblings houses. That’s also if I had the time. Between work, taking care of my own affairs, hobbies (mostly fitness), and family events (this weekend is babysitting, Christmas tree hunting, and lasagna at my parents’), time is in short supply. My life is full and I am blessed.
What I think I’m actually lacking:
The thing in my life that I really feel that I’m lacking is time. I’d like the time to do the renovation projects with my wife at a relaxed pace. The time to get adequate sleep. The time to go for long walks. The time to do yoga every day. The time to go visit my friends by injecting myself into their lives for short periods. The time to take up more hobby projects. The time to reach my fitness goals. The time to cook intricate meals. The time to do more language learning. The time to travel. The time to fully nurture myself and those in my life.
LikeLike